When the magic is gone

I’ve been wrestling with this post for two days, but I finally decided that it needed to be put out there.

For the past few days, my 4 month old daughter has been acting up. She feeds poorly, refuses to sleep, fusses near constantly and has pretty much completely unlearned latching. I am sleep deprived and in a level of pain I haven’t known since she was 3 weeks old.

As my husband has been participating in training for the WFDF Ultimate and Guts world championship, I’ve been on my own in dealing with it. I work my butt off to be a good mother, but I am so tired…

So exhausted that the special magic that keeps new mummies going, is gone. You know what I mean. The smile first thing in the morning or after a feed that keeps you from killing your offspring. The cute factor  that melts your heart. It’s just gone. Right now, I do not like my daughter. I still love her, but I do not like her.

I have barely enough self control left to keep myself from lashing out. My exhausted, sun stroked husband had to take over from me last night when I turned away from the infant I was trying to put to bed and had to lock myself in the bathroom to keep sane.

I fear feeding her. My heart races when I know I’ll be alone with her soon. And not with excitement. I hear hubby reassure me that I am doing a great job, while he carefully watches me for signs of PND. I watch me for PND. I try to remain upbeat. I work to respond to her chats and her smiles. I hold her and hug her and love her and kiss her until she squeals, all while I silently pray she’ll remain pleasant long enough for me to eat or go to the bathroom or stuff my face with sugar.

I don’t know what this phase is. I hope it will pass soon. I need the magic to work again.

PS Did you note that she now squeals in delight? She also takes her own nappy off. She’s an amazing kid, she’s just also the devil.

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