Because I don’t really trust therapy…

Friendly warning to anyone actually reading this, it’s a vent/therapy session for me and might not be the most fun read ever.

Sooooo… uhm. I’m actually lying on a couch while I write this, which is mildly amusing to me. So here goes.

I’ve recently asked myself and my husband whether I should maybe consider seeing a shrink. I’m a psych student and as you might have guessed, I don’t put much stock in therapists, so this question rattles me a little. Please note, I believe therapy, psychologists and psychiatrists are extremely important, I just kinda view them as outside of my reality. That’s extremely arrogant, I know, but if you know me, it wouldn’t really surprise you. So, since I’m still not really in shrink territory, I’m going to spill my guts in writing instead and see how much that helps.

Without getting into detail, since this is not anonymous or confidential, the basics are that I’ve been struggling with my anger issues lately. You know that scene from the first Avengers movie where Captain America tells Banner that it’s a good time to get angry and Banner says “That’s my secret, Cap. I’m always angry” and then he Hulks out? Well, that pretty much sums me up. On some level, I’m always angry and generally, I’m really good at managing it, but lately, I’ve been hulking out a bit more than I’m comfortable with. Okay, a lot more. And it scares me.

I’m always angry

Basically, growing up, there was a slightly Ancient Rome/Greece/Egypt vibe where emotions were considered a weakness. The only emotion that was mostly okay, was a sort of controlled anger, so anger has been the one negative emotion I have grown at ease with. I convert all my negative feelings into anger on some level, because I know how to deal with anger. The result is a certain frigid aspect to my personality and when I’m really tired, I have a hard time tempering the expression of my anger. I’m fairly self-aware, so I have taken measures to avoid exhaustion combined with social interaction, but it’s not always realistic. 

The problem is that lately, my anger management skills are not so great and I’m always tired and just so much more angry than I’ve been in a long time. A part of that is struggling to switch off from work. A part of it is the stress of having a toddler. A part is missing my dad so much more now that I have a kid. A part is needing a vacation. And a part is frustration at situations I can’t change.

Mostly, though, I’m feeling more and more like it’s time to address the deep down, underlying anger that feeds the rest of it and I just don’t know how. See, I’m very good at managing anger, but I’m terrible at letting it go. And I’m scared (which I unhealthily convert to more anger) that I’m going to hulk out on my little girl. I don’t want her to ever be this angry or jaded or disdainful or prickly.

Maybe I just need a holiday, maybe I need a shrink, maybe my husband is right and I need to hit the gym again. I don’t know, but I need to figure it out.

*Disclaimer: I’m not depressed, I don’t have ppd (I’ve always been like this), I’m not miserable. I also know that there is no shame in any of those things and I would own up to them as soon as I could, so I could get help, because my family and I deserve the best me. I have absolute respect for people living with mental illness  (for lack of better term). I am familiar with some of the difficulties and the bravery and strength of those fighting their own chemistry everyday blows my mind.

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